Catch my nose - if you can

Monday, December 13, 2004

Nearly Christmas

Robbie's report from Siberia:

Hello,
I hope everybody is well. Not much news here, still snowy but not really so cold, only -17 this morning but it felt like +5 in Ireland. I had Monday off work because of “Constitution Day” on Sunday which was nice- when I said it to dedushka (the Russian Granddad) he said “What constitution?” and I said your constitution and he just grumbled and muttered something. Not widely celebrated, just by all the places that you would need to have open such as banks etc. I was thinking recently that nothing bad has really happened to me since I came back to Russia- which is worrying because I only have 4 weeks left here and I am afraid that something bad might happen. Mel the American girl had her wallet (with credit cards) and digital camera stolen out of her bag on the bus on Saturday, fortunately they did not take her passport which in Russia would have been the biggest nightmare and there are hardly any shops in Novosibirsk that take credit cards and she did not have much cash but she misses her digital camera. So after she cancelled her cards there was not much she could do. There is little point in going to the police here, they are either useless or corrupt or both. I also never mentioned the plight of Damian from South Africa who left to go home 2 weeks ago. He had to fly from here to Moscow and then onwards, when he was checking in for his flight to London from Moscow they told him he could not leave Russia because his visa (for Russia) was not in order. So after staying here since last February he was sent back to Novosibirsk to fix the problem, he ended up being in Russia an extra week before he was able to get out. Only in this bloody country will they make it more difficult to leave the country as a foreigner than get in. I felt a bit bad because when he was saying goodbye to us the last time, he said something like “Well I’m leaving Russia now” and I said something to the effect of “You are not out until you go past immigration in Moscow” - should have kept my mouth shut.
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Speaking of people leaving, another foreigner left on Saturday- Stefan from Germany, who one had the sense that he never actually used money- he was one of those people who just did not need it- his camper van in Germany is converted to run on vegetable oil or something like that and he was always claims insurance for his “hiking equipment” which always goes “missing” anytime he is in Russia which enables him to pay for flights. They only hurdle he could not overcome was the fact that he was not given BaFOeG (German student grant) for the time he was here because they only pay it if you are in the European part of Russia- I felt a bit sorry for him when he told me but not anymore- chances are he was swindling them also. Anyway it was his leaving party on Friday night but we went to a Mexican restaurant beforehand. (I am giving the impression that we went for him but we went without him, just a couple of us) This was a) quite a shock to find in Siberia b) very good and c) completely wonderful because I forgot for 2 hours I was here! We really went because Andy and Carrie (two “volunteers” i.e. CIAers) were going back home after being here for about a month. Basically all foreigners here are thought of by each other as potential spies but these 2 were especially dubious, being American and unable to describe what exactly they were doing here. But very nice people, Carrie was very funny, dirty minded and a bit of an alcoholic and Andy was good at fixing things (handy in Russia) and a little bit cute, well very nice really. Anyway Stefan was on the Aeroflot flight that leaves at 6 in the morning which means you have to leave at 3 in the night (no automatic check in kiosks in Tolmachevo Airport yet and I’m not keeping my fingers crossed either) but Andy and Carrie were on Siberian Airlines in the evening so we could have breakfast with them and give them a hug goodbye- Carrie gave me an electric shock because of her nylon top and Andy gave a very very long nice hug also (not just to me though- to all of us). Anyway after a couple of hours of delay they were heading on their way to Moscow and all its big glitzy sights and ultimately, home for Christmas. Saturday evening- feeling a little tired after the party the night before I went for dinner with Mel, Elizabeth (the old one from France) and Marina (from Uzbekistan I think- although that is the least remarkable thing about this thing) we went to Jilie Bilie Russian restaurant which is so cute inside and all the staff are in traditional Russian costumes (it is a bit Disney like) and when we left it was snowing and everything seamed so nice, then Me and Mel said goodbye to the other two (I will be spending Christmas with Elizabeth and a duck as we are the only foreigners here who like a drink and will be staying for Christmas) So we went back to Anna’s place to watch a movie- at the weekends I move in with Anna because of the grandparents getting too repressive for me. So we watched a very scary movie which I did not like because I am a girl when it comes to things like that, so I spent most of the time under a blanket. Anyway as a Christmas present for Mel, Anna and Grig (my washing machine saviour) I brought them to a Russian musical on Sunday afternoon called NEP (New Economic Plan)- not what one might think of as the most exiting title for a musical but it really was great, set in the 1920’s and very very soviet (even Stalin was in it) with lots of dancing and some really great songs- beets Andrew L Weber any day. Went for a pint in the Irish bar on Lenin Street afterwards and then went home and invited Marina (from above) and Misha (nice Russian guy) to watch a video as well as drink. We watched Wild Things- which we should have known with Marina around was a mistake, for you see Marina is a sex crazed bisexual 20 year old from Uzbekistan who’s mission in life is to convert everyone to bisexuality, preferably by force. So her victims that night were Mel and me. After watching that video we ended up playing strip spin the bottle which got a bit scary after awhile, poor Mel had to kiss her for 1 minute and I had to lick Anna’s tit- even scarier than the video from the night before. You will unfortunately not be getting the photos from that evening attached in this email. (Unrelated) We bought these huge 3 liter jars of juice from the supermarket which were dirt cheap, unfortunately when we got home we could not open them because you need a special utensil to do it, so we had to drill a hole in the lid, equalise the pressure and them pull of the lid- most difficult thing I have ever done, like opening a tin without a tin opener -took about 15 minutes, but it was very good juice- just tasted like mashed up apples, anyway on Monday night we all drank a little too much of this juice and the resulting colonic explosions were heard by all in poor Anna’s badly ventilated apartment. So that was my weekend- as I said nothing new or interesting here, same old miserable life! I am only here for 24 more days and only 12 of them are work days! Hope you’re all not sick of Christmas by now, no decorations here really- bit sad!

Monday, December 06, 2004

Altai Mountains

I have to add this report from my dear friend Robbie (yeah, I ignored the copyright sign at the bottom of the page), because it wonderfully reflects our trip to the Altai Mountains! It was a PERFECT trip!
I have to warn you- this is a long one- even for me, you will need about 10 mins.

Hiya All!

I have had the most fab time this week- reminds me that Russia is in fact an amazing country with amazing people. Well the week started off mild as ever- about 0C but then it got real cold, one night it was in the high 20s! (As in minus 20s). They don’t say if it is minus anymore they just say on the weather forecast, tomorrow, 16 to 18 and you should know by now they are talking about minus. It is however bearable and not so bad apart from lips, although if it goes much below -30 I will tell you all about it. It is funny to see dogs who have picked up bits of snow on their fur and start to look like chandeliers, you can even hear the ice jingling about on them- very cute but then I’m not the one covered in ice. Last Wednesday (the first day of big cold) I went with 4 Americans (I couldn’t get a word in edgeways) and an Australian for dinner in a Georgian restaurant (not from the 17th century or specialising in food from Atlanta either). I now understand why Stalin (from Gerogia) was a bit grumpy at times. They had the most uncomfortable chairs I have ever sat on, and I have been to primary school in Ireland so I know what I am talking about. It appeared if they had a hole in the middle for you to do your business whilst eating- very efficient but not what you really want at the table. Anyway apart from half those eating getting their food about an hour after the first half (hey it’s Russia- be glad you are getting food before the place closes for the night) it was nice although I had a kebab- seams like every culture has adopted them which looked like a giant poo or brown penis depending on what you are thinking about at the time - was tasty though. And a nice bottle of Georgian wine to wash it down. I did not tell my geriatric flatmates I was eating in a restaurant because earlier in the week they told me how terrible it was that Russians are spending their money on cars and holidays and restaurants when they should be doing cross country skiing (ARGHHH) and going to the theatre. So I told them my boss and his Georgian wife invited me to dinner. I had even written down on a piece of paper what I had eaten to prove it to them but they asked about the size of the apartment of my boss, what ages where his kids etc. Fortunately my shit Russian gave me enough thinking time to come up with plausible lies although I don’t know if 4 room apartments exist in Russia-upps. So that night made the week nice and short although I had to be home before 10- a bit like Cinderella. Although it was so bloody cold I ran from the bus stop to the door of my building.
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So Friday we set off for Altai, bye bye to the seniors for the weekend and said “see ya Tuesday” as I ran away. Altai as you all know by now, is the mountainous region that forms the Border with east Kazakhstan, North West China and Mongolia (and of course Russia). So we tried to get a taxi there (it is about 500km south) because we heard this was the easiest way to do it and not that expensive- about 800 roubles (25euro) however when the taxi driver asked for 15000 roubles (450euro) we thought he was driving a hard bargin (and possibly driving a limo also) so we ended up getting the bus for about 400 roubles- not too bad and it would only take 9 hours- in Russia you get used to long journeys, 9 hours on a bus is nothing to me now. So we hung around at the dingy bus station and then got on the overnight bus to Chemal, in the Altai Republic (a bit more independent from Moscow then a normal bit of Russia- Chechenya is the same). I get very giddy when I travel- it is all the new things so I could not sleep and had my face glued to the window for most of the time or the ear of the person sitting next to me. So travelling through the frozen landscape of Siberia in heavy snow was fun, it was a chilly -20 when we left Novosibirsk but the further south we went the warmer it got, one place was -11 and I rolled up the sleeves of my jumper on our once-in-3-hours-piss/food-break, basking in the tepidness of it all. So we left at 10 and we arrived at the place at 7 in the morning, with no passport checks along the way which was good. We arrived in a village called Manjerok (God, mix up those letters, add 2 Fs and see what you come up with) and we were met by a local boy called Andrej (the first of many) The place had a Craggy Island in Fr. Ted feel to it, and Andrej was our Fr. Dougel, although a bit foxier. He would look into your eyes and you were not too sure if he misunderstood you or was curious about you- that kind of guy, but very nice and he kept coming back to our house every 15 minutes to keep our fire burning- in more ways then one.

So after arriving at 7am and after a bit of Muesli (western style- without the butter, salt and boiling) we all went to bed but I was too excited to sleep so I read the Altai section of “Lonely Planet Russia & Belarus” which made me a bit scared. Altai people (the natives) are Mongolians and as with all Orientals react badly to alcohol, however that does not stop them outdrinking the Russians which gives the place a pretty Wild West bandit atmosphere. Apparently they are a bit dangerous if they have been drinking which is more or less all the time. Scary natives. Anyway we then got up about 12 and went to the local shop to get some food and then went on a walk to meet Andrej’s grandfather who I think was called Pjoter but I am not sure, anyway a real Mountain Man and we walked up to his little mountain hut (about an hours walk up the mountain) which had no electricity- so quaint.

And we ate and drank there and Pjoter took a fancy to Iris from Hong Kong which was funny to watch! He is the one with the huge beard in the photos. Very nice and friendly old man with a lovely cat and dog. So that night we walked back down the mountain in the dark and started to drink a bit of vodka and this great drink- it was not vodka but still 40% made with honey and chillies- yum yum- worked for me anyway and we were all a bit tipsy by about 9pm and in bed by 12 (after a bit of Irish dancing instruction- “arms staaaaaaight, knees hiiiiiger one, two three, one, two, three”).

So we had decided that day that the next day (Sunday) we would hire an Andrej (a local, for they all bear that name) to drive us up into the more remote parts of the Katun Valley. The Katun is one of the worlds great rafting rivers, although winter is probably the low season. So he collected us in what I can only describe as the van from Scooby Doo, so we all piled into the Mystery Machine and went on a 7 hour drive. Further up the valley it gets very dry (I think it looked like a desert but the Americans said I was wrong- it was like a mix of Colorado and Arizona according to them) so there was no or very little snow and even though it was definitely below 0C you could not see your breath.
It was really an amazing place and we stopped in some scary villages along the way. The villages here have outdoor toilets and it seams that some of them have just one outdoor toilet for the whole village, usually a 3 min walk up the hill in the dark. There is a reason for this that I will explain later. No lights inside the huts but you can smell where you should be aiming for. I also spotted some natives from the van who may have been drinking. One had an axe in his hand and just fell backwards into a ditch while his friend tried to pull him out also got pulled in- funny to watch from a speeding van but I was glad not to be there. So Andrej our driver showed us some rock drawings from 5000 years ago and the usual myths and legends about the river being a spirit etc. etc. etc. Now as you all know by now Russians do not pee, drink or eat when travelling- regardless of the duration of the journey. Andrej (during the 7 or 8 hours) only had a cigarette ever so often while the rest of us were worried about burst bladders. (A scene that would repeat itself on the 9 hour bus journey home where I had to avail of the wide rim facilities of an empty bottle of Nestea Ice Tea). Anyway it was a great day and it was only 250 roubles each which I though was good value. So we were all absolutely starving on the way back and stopped in the Greasy Spoon Caf in Chemal (I think all the places looked very similar- one road and scary natives) So I had a big feed and then about 15 natives came in and sat down all around us and started staring and then taking bottles of vodka out of their jackets and drinking- Arghhhhh, why did I read the bloody Lonely Planet? As is obligatory with Russia they were all in camouflage outfits which made them look like even scarier! Just think drunk Gengis Khan and you have the idea. So we all left there before they started to talk to us thank god! The road that we travelled on up the valley ran out about 2/3rds of the way along and was only a dirt track- very bumpy which combined with high pressure on the bladder and excessive laughter had some interesting effects. The main reason we were laughing is that Mel (the New Yorker) has a big giant-anti-Siberian-coldness coat with fur around the hood, just like my one. However, when she left her coat in the cloakroom at the university, some of the fur was cut off, not much- just a little bit, but really cut off which makes you wonder “Why?” anyway if you are behind her you cant stop laughing because you imagine some disgruntled Russian cloakroom woman going “I’ll show that fancy American bitch” as she lays into the fur with a pair of scissors. We now call it the Sinead (as in O’ Connor) jacket. Anyway we had really reached the end of civilisation when we passed the village of Kuyuz. Great time had by all.


So Monday morning we get the bus back to Novosibirsk, I was all set with food, liquid and an empty bottle just in case. Just before we left though everyone in the house had used the indoor toilet to its full extent and committed the hideous crime (in Russia) of flushing toilet paper down the toilet to where it got blocked and started to overflow, as this is happening and I am panicking, Andrej walks in. So we tried to clean up as best we could and then left him to take over, on leaving to walk to the bus stop we noticed the outdoor toilet- arghhh if only we had known. In Russia you should not flush toilet paper down the toilet. I mean by this not just toilet paper you blow your nose with or wipe a bit of toothpaste off the sink with. I mean ALL toilet paper, including for what it is primarily used for. So you just deposit it into a little bin beside the loo- horrid and disgusting so all westerners here just say “Fuck it- hopefully it won’t block today” and flush it away. However 6 westerners in one house was a recipe for disaster. So, on the bus back- at the first pee break 4 hours into the journey we get out and all sink into about 3 foot of snow. It had, it seems, been snowing everywhere heavily all weekend, so we all went into the hut to pee. I am so glad I am not a girl because a0 I don’t know how they hover over the holes dug in the ground and b) how they can let themselves get so close to something so disgusting. One thing we all appreciate here in Siberia is washing machines and toilets. Anyway the journey back got slower and slower because of the snow getting deeper and deeper. I even saw snow plows being pulled out of the snow by tractors- that is bad. So we got off the bus and virtually disappeared into the snow. About 40cm fell over the weekend (on top of what was there). We went back to Anna’s (from Germany) apartment and looked at the 500 pictures we took over the weekend. Robbie